Fearfully Stepping Forward

In my last post, I mentioned how my Anxiety was a Protector and my Perfectionist an Exile. However, as I've gotten to know my Perfectionist better over the past couple of days, I realized I had it wrong. He's not an Exile, but another Protector himself, and he's one that is fighting for dominance over my soul with Anni. His name is Peter (it's easy to remember: Anxious Anni, Perfect Peter).

I've been reading Richard Schwartz book on Parts Therapy and there was one section I came across where he discusses "polarized parts", which is what Anni and Peter are. He described it through an analogy of a boat. The boat is about to tip over. Each part is leaning over either end of the boat and if either of them moves at all, the boat will tip. However, he they both move towards the middle at the same time, they'll be safe. The problem is, neither part trusts the other enough to take the needed steps, so they're stuck in a permanently precarious situation. Schwartz explains that what is needed is for a peace to be found with polarized parts is for a third party to step in. If this metaphorical boat was literal, a captain would need to get involved to mediate with the two and teach them to trust each other enough to start taking their steps towards the middle together. So, when there are polarized parts inside you, what needs to happen is for your true Self to step in and be the mediator between them. I understand that this probably still doesn't make a lot of sense to many people and the fact that I'm talking about what are essentially my personality traits in such a familiar fashion may just convince some that I'm crazy. Well, I'm sorry if you are confused, and if you think I'm crazy - I'm a writer, of course I'm crazy. :)

Moving on: I was trying to find a way to get Peter and Anni to work together. At my last therapy session yesterday, my therapist and I spent most of it trying to get to know Peter a little better. However, the whole time he was there, Anni felt the need to stay in the room and keep an eye on him. I remember when I first got Peter out of me, my therapist asked how I felt towards him and I told her that I was afraid of him. She said that that was because some part of me was distorting my view and that I needed to ask that part to step back so I could see Peter through the eyes of my Self. The part that distorted my view was Anni. She did step back. She went and hid under the desk and watched as Peter paced the room.

As far as I imagine them, Peter and Anni are complete opposites. Where Anni is pale, thin, hunched, and always hiding, Peter is tall, buff, imposing, and powerful. He has no hands either. Instead, at the end of one arm is a whip to punish me when I'm not perfect, and at the end of his other arm is a chisel so he can form me into what he thinks is perfect. Through Anni's eyes, he is scary and dangerous. She doesn't trust him at all, and she does what she can to keep me away from him.

However, with her outside of me (oh, did I mention that I discovered Anni was a girl? I'll explain why in a moment), when I looked at Peter, I found I felt more curiosity towards him than actual fear. He was less threatening to deal with when seen through the eyes of my Self. So my therapist and I started talking to him and getting to know the Exiles he was protecting and so on.

I remember one moment, I after I had reparented a couple of the Exiles he was protecting, I got him to stop pacing the room and sit down. The problem was he sat down at the desk under which Anni was hiding. I had to mentally guide Anni out from under the desk to get her away from him because it freaked her out so bad. Whenever he's around, Anni stays close by me. She knows now that my true Self can control Peter, but she still doesn't trust him, nor he her, though he usually just pretends she's not there.

Anyway, my whole point in telling you this is that I've been trying to figure out a way to bring these two together - to help them find harmony with each other and discover new, happier roles within me (neither of them actually enjoy their current jobs). The idea I came up with was a story (shocking, I know).

This story on the outside is a cliche poor-girl/rich-guy romance. I decided, Anni will be the girl and Peter will be the guy (that's how I figured out what Anni's gender was. The fact that she has a girl's name also helped). Through writing a story where they are forced together and forced to get to know each other and work together, I hope that I can find a way to make them fall in love, in a way. Doing it through the standpoint of a story would allow me to act as my true Self so that I can control the situations and guide Peter and Anni through this so that I can find some peace.

Truth be told, I'm slightly terrified of this idea. Its both of them that make me feel that way, too. Anni is afraid of me spending too much time with either of them or putting so much effort into a story because it could ultimately just hurt me, and Peter's afraid of me writing because there's no way the first draft will be perfect, and imperfection is what he tries to protect me from. Whenever I sit down to write, I have to talk to each of them to reassure them that no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay, and that they can stick with me the whole time I write this story. They're calmer when they know they can step in at any time if they feel like they need to.

But, none of this explains the title of this post.

This is the part that will likely make the people who care about me frustrated and worried. I know my parents aren't super excited about it either. I'll get right to the point. I've decided that I am going to defer my schooling for a semester, so instead of going this Fall, I won't be going to school again until January. Most people around me are probably convince this is a terrible idea. This means that for the next five-ish months I will have neither work nor school, which logically means I will sink deeper into the hole my anxiety has built for me. Most people around me will be very worried about me making this choice and will be scared that I'm going to be very hurt because of this.

Don't think that such thoughts haven't crossed my mind too. This has been a terrifying decision for me. I really wanted to go to school this semester. I miss learning things, I miss the Academic drive of school, I want to be a student again, but the truth is, I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet. Whenever I talk about my fears of going to school again with my sisters, they always tell me not to worry because college is so much better than High School. I appreciate their attempts to try to reassure me, and I know they're right, but the fact is that the things about High School that hurt me so much aren't unique to High School. I wasn't hurt because I was in High School, I was hurt because I was in school.

When I think about the things that scared me about school, I remember the hallways, the noise between classes, the lines when getting lunch, teachers in front of the class, the classrooms themselves - whether it be College or High School, these are aspects that are still going to be there. I'm still in a very fragile state. Yes, it's true that I need to push myself to do things that make me anxious or I'm never going to get better, but if I throw myself into something that huge so soon, I don't think I'd make it. This will sound like an exaggeration, but it's not. More than once, when I thought about going to college, the very real fear that my mind will completely crumble if I go there has always hit me. I need to do little steps to heal myself. Things like writing this story - which will be my work from here on out. I don't think I'm ready to handle to pain of school again. I'm afraid of going back, because I'm afraid of being hurt again.

I'm also very afraid of staying home. I'm afraid of the limited human contact I'll have. It's ironic, that never would've bothered me before. These days, I'm just worried about all the things I could be missing out from not going to school this semester. I'm afraid I may be losing the chance to gain valuable friendships, or to really get the education I crave. Part of me feels like I'm signing my death warrant by staying home. Although, to be fair, I felt much the same way when I thought I'd be going to school this semester.

So, am I making the right decision? The truth is, I don't know. Would it have been smarter for me not to defer and just dive into school as soon as I can? I don't know. I really don't know if I'm making the right choice. However, this is the choice I've made. For better or worse, I am going to stick to it, and I am going to move forward from here. I'm going to write every day. I'm going to do something everyday to make me stronger. Just today, I tried calling my bank to figure out what's up with my online account. That ended up being pointless because they're actually closed today since it's Pioneer Day, but I still did it! And now I know what to expect when I call them again tomorrow - which I am really going to do! Also, I have plans with my friend Camilla that we will meet once a week to talk and write together and keep each other grounded in reality. I know I can hang out with my cousin, Amberli, because even if she's married now, we're still as close as we ever have been. I'm having an easier time talking to my parents now, so I'll probably be spending more time with my family. I think I may be able to handle going to all three hours of church from here on out - every week.

I'm terrified of the future, yes, but whatever happens from now on, I have hope that it'll be better. So whatever you think of my decision, please don't criticize me for it. Please don't look at me as wrong or broken. I'm taking my own journey, and I'm taking it at my own pace. Most people probably won't be able to really understand why I made the decision I did without being me, but know that I have been considering this for months on end now, so at the very least, I'm not making a rash, stupid teenager decision.

So for the first time in almost a year and a half, full of fear and hope, I'm finally moving forward. In that at least, I can be happy.