A Chat with Peter and Anni

So the recent problem I've been having with sitting down and trying to write my Perfectionist/Anxiety story is getting Peter and Anni to let me do it. At this point, they trust me enough to actually write the story, but they're very uncomfortable with the idea that I'm going to be forcing them together and making them . . . affiliate and communicate with each other. They aren't exactly fond of each other, you know. (Translation for those who don't understand Parts Therapy: My problem now isn't with worrying about failing because of a crappy story, but rather that I have to really get to know two parts of me that don't go together at all and that both have caused me pain in the past)

I mentioned this problem to my Therapist today and that what I wanted to work on in that section was getting to two to learn to . . . I can't remember exactly what I said, something about how I wanted them to learn to be around each other. So my Therapist suggested bringing them out and having them talk to each other - sort of like a couples therapy session for my Perfectionist and Anxiety. So I acted out what Peter said, what Anni said, and my Self was in another chair and I acted out what she said too. It was a lot easier for me to do than it sounds, but that could be because I'm a Discovery Writer so I'm used to learning about characters and how they feel and react towards certain things on the fly. Roughly, this is the "chat" that followed. The talk started with Peter telling Anni how he felt towards her:


Peter: I don't like that you feel like you have to make Shannan scared in order to keep her safe. I don't like that you feel like you need to hurt her to save her some pain - and this pain doesn't even exist. You imagine terrible things that could happen if she goes outside, but more often than not, they're just irrational and convoluted delusions. You try to "save" her from figments of your own imagination by keeping her shut up. You try to keep her away from human contact so she won't be hurt by them, but in doing so, you let her sink into a lonely hole. I wish that you would let me take over because what I do for her is better.

Anni: You think that the only way for her to be strong is for her to be perfect. Yet, she has grown up in a world full of imperfection, and she understands that no one is meant to be perfect - nor can they ever be. Your constant pushing her to be so anyways is setting her up to fail. I have to keep her away from you because you push her towards something that doesn't exist - that she could never reach. You give her false hope and false drive. Perfection doesn't exist. That is real. What I protect her from is people who hurt her.

Self: The both of you are inherently working towards the same goal. Both of you want to keep me safe, but more than that, you both want to make me stronger and braver and better overall. You both want the same things for me, but you both have very different methods. I'm so grateful to both of you for looking out for me and always trying to keep me safe, but I know that neither of you enjoy doing what you do. I know that both of you want to be something different, a new support for me. So, I ask that you consider that instead of fighting for dominance over me, why not stand together, learn from each other, discover new roles for yourselves with each other, and make me stronger together.

Peter: True, I don't want to do what I do, but I'm worried that if I don't, she's just going to get rejected and made weaker. I have to be the way that I am because it's the only way that she's ever going to make it in this world.

Therapist: Peter, can I ask you something?

Peter: Sure.

Therapist: You're worried about her getting hurt, but I wonder, do you remember what you saw last week, how she reparented and helped those exiles? How did you feel about that?

Peter: Well, I was intrigued and a little relieved. I mean, I know that she's in control and I'm glad. But this is the first I've seen her in control in a long time and I don't know how long that's going to last.

Therapist: Can I ask, what is it about "perfect" that's so important?

Peter: It's the only way she'll be accepted.

Therapist: But the world is full of imperfect people. Pretend there are two doors in my office here. One of them is brown and shabby and sort of decrepit looking. The other is perfect and pristine and shining. Which would you want her to go through.

Peter: Well, the perfect one.

Therapist: What do you think will be on the other side?

Peter: . . . Something nice.

Therapist: What if I told you that when you opened the perfect door, there was only a brick wall on the other side. Because, there is no perfect world. It doesn't exist. So what do you think is behind the shabby, decrepit door?

Peter: . . . People?

Therapist: Yes. All sorts of imperfect people walking around in an imperfect world, and you know what? They're all smiling. There are birds with crooked beaks who still sing beautiful tunes, there are small and large trees that still grow beautiful leaves, there are still people of all kinds walking around doing imperfect things and smiling anyway. So do you think that maybe, instead of shooting for Shannan to be perfect, she should try to be just good enough?

Peter: I'm worried that if I slack she won't be strong enough.

Therapist: What role would you rather carry in her?

Peter: . . . . I'd rather stand beside her. Pull her forward when she hesitates, pull her up when she falls, that sort of thing.

Therapist: Don't you think you can do that?

Peter: I want to, but I can't. Anni always gets in the way. I have to assert my dominance or there's no way I'll be heard and Shannan'll always be stuck in a lonely pit.

Therapist: Ah. You know, this is sort of like couples therapy here. Often when I work with couples, they find ways to blame each other for all sorts of things, so I try to get them to also own up to something they may have done wrong. To sort of recognize something that maybe they could do better on. So Peter, is there anything that you think you could "own"?

Peter: Well, I suppose I'm too harsh sometimes. I feel like I have to use my rough tactics to get to Shannan, but I suppose that's also what brings Anni out in the first place. Maybe if I wasn't so harsh, Anni wouldn't need to step in.

Therapist: Would you like to say something to her?

Peter: *sigh* Anni, I don't like that you dominate Shannan's soul. But, maybe you're right that I need to scare her less. So, is there anyway that you would let me . . . help?

Therapist: Anni, what do you think of that?

Anni: I still don't trust you. I know that all you really want is to give Shannan courage and make her stronger, but I'm worried you'll just weaken her more. However, I'm willing to take the chance at least once.

Therapist: So, when Shannan does something a little outside her comfort zone this week, will you let Peter stand next to you, maybe help you learn to be strong and braver too.

Anni: As long as he doesn't touch me.

Therapist: Peter, do you think you could learn something from Anni too? Maybe how to be more compassionate and empathetic towards others?

Peter: I'm willing to try it out.

Self: Thanks so much guys for being willing to do this for me. I really appreciate that you both are trying to make me stronger and better, and I'm so grateful that you trust me enough to take this sort of step and try something new to help me progress. Thanks for letting me be in charge, and thanks for taking these chances with me. I'm glad I can count on you guys to keep my best interest at heart, and I hope we can all find a way to become who we want to be.


More or less, that's what happened. It flowed a little more naturally during the actual session; this is all just roughly what I'm recalling from memory so it sounds a little weird. It was really neat having that sort of in depth discussion between those too, and it helped a lot to have my Therapist there guiding them to better perspectives. It's a bit of a relief to find Peter learning that it may be better to just be "good enough" rather than being perfect. I'm also excited about the idea of them learning from each other. Because Peter wants to be someone who gives me courage and strength, and Anni wants to be someone who gives me compassion and empathy - I don't know, but the idea of two conflicting forces finding harmony through learning from each other is exciting to me. This brings a lot more calm when I think about writing their story too. I'm really starting to love these sides of me, the more I get to know them. Sort of ironic, isn't it? I guess Ender Wiggin was right, the more you get to know your enemies, the more you love them. Something like that.

My Therapist also showed me this video, since both Peter and Anni are so worried about me never being accepted, and I thought I'd share it with you, because it's nice. :)

Fearfully Stepping Forward

In my last post, I mentioned how my Anxiety was a Protector and my Perfectionist an Exile. However, as I've gotten to know my Perfectionist better over the past couple of days, I realized I had it wrong. He's not an Exile, but another Protector himself, and he's one that is fighting for dominance over my soul with Anni. His name is Peter (it's easy to remember: Anxious Anni, Perfect Peter).

I've been reading Richard Schwartz book on Parts Therapy and there was one section I came across where he discusses "polarized parts", which is what Anni and Peter are. He described it through an analogy of a boat. The boat is about to tip over. Each part is leaning over either end of the boat and if either of them moves at all, the boat will tip. However, he they both move towards the middle at the same time, they'll be safe. The problem is, neither part trusts the other enough to take the needed steps, so they're stuck in a permanently precarious situation. Schwartz explains that what is needed is for a peace to be found with polarized parts is for a third party to step in. If this metaphorical boat was literal, a captain would need to get involved to mediate with the two and teach them to trust each other enough to start taking their steps towards the middle together. So, when there are polarized parts inside you, what needs to happen is for your true Self to step in and be the mediator between them. I understand that this probably still doesn't make a lot of sense to many people and the fact that I'm talking about what are essentially my personality traits in such a familiar fashion may just convince some that I'm crazy. Well, I'm sorry if you are confused, and if you think I'm crazy - I'm a writer, of course I'm crazy. :)

Moving on: I was trying to find a way to get Peter and Anni to work together. At my last therapy session yesterday, my therapist and I spent most of it trying to get to know Peter a little better. However, the whole time he was there, Anni felt the need to stay in the room and keep an eye on him. I remember when I first got Peter out of me, my therapist asked how I felt towards him and I told her that I was afraid of him. She said that that was because some part of me was distorting my view and that I needed to ask that part to step back so I could see Peter through the eyes of my Self. The part that distorted my view was Anni. She did step back. She went and hid under the desk and watched as Peter paced the room.

As far as I imagine them, Peter and Anni are complete opposites. Where Anni is pale, thin, hunched, and always hiding, Peter is tall, buff, imposing, and powerful. He has no hands either. Instead, at the end of one arm is a whip to punish me when I'm not perfect, and at the end of his other arm is a chisel so he can form me into what he thinks is perfect. Through Anni's eyes, he is scary and dangerous. She doesn't trust him at all, and she does what she can to keep me away from him.

However, with her outside of me (oh, did I mention that I discovered Anni was a girl? I'll explain why in a moment), when I looked at Peter, I found I felt more curiosity towards him than actual fear. He was less threatening to deal with when seen through the eyes of my Self. So my therapist and I started talking to him and getting to know the Exiles he was protecting and so on.

I remember one moment, I after I had reparented a couple of the Exiles he was protecting, I got him to stop pacing the room and sit down. The problem was he sat down at the desk under which Anni was hiding. I had to mentally guide Anni out from under the desk to get her away from him because it freaked her out so bad. Whenever he's around, Anni stays close by me. She knows now that my true Self can control Peter, but she still doesn't trust him, nor he her, though he usually just pretends she's not there.

Anyway, my whole point in telling you this is that I've been trying to figure out a way to bring these two together - to help them find harmony with each other and discover new, happier roles within me (neither of them actually enjoy their current jobs). The idea I came up with was a story (shocking, I know).

This story on the outside is a cliche poor-girl/rich-guy romance. I decided, Anni will be the girl and Peter will be the guy (that's how I figured out what Anni's gender was. The fact that she has a girl's name also helped). Through writing a story where they are forced together and forced to get to know each other and work together, I hope that I can find a way to make them fall in love, in a way. Doing it through the standpoint of a story would allow me to act as my true Self so that I can control the situations and guide Peter and Anni through this so that I can find some peace.

Truth be told, I'm slightly terrified of this idea. Its both of them that make me feel that way, too. Anni is afraid of me spending too much time with either of them or putting so much effort into a story because it could ultimately just hurt me, and Peter's afraid of me writing because there's no way the first draft will be perfect, and imperfection is what he tries to protect me from. Whenever I sit down to write, I have to talk to each of them to reassure them that no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay, and that they can stick with me the whole time I write this story. They're calmer when they know they can step in at any time if they feel like they need to.

But, none of this explains the title of this post.

This is the part that will likely make the people who care about me frustrated and worried. I know my parents aren't super excited about it either. I'll get right to the point. I've decided that I am going to defer my schooling for a semester, so instead of going this Fall, I won't be going to school again until January. Most people around me are probably convince this is a terrible idea. This means that for the next five-ish months I will have neither work nor school, which logically means I will sink deeper into the hole my anxiety has built for me. Most people around me will be very worried about me making this choice and will be scared that I'm going to be very hurt because of this.

Don't think that such thoughts haven't crossed my mind too. This has been a terrifying decision for me. I really wanted to go to school this semester. I miss learning things, I miss the Academic drive of school, I want to be a student again, but the truth is, I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet. Whenever I talk about my fears of going to school again with my sisters, they always tell me not to worry because college is so much better than High School. I appreciate their attempts to try to reassure me, and I know they're right, but the fact is that the things about High School that hurt me so much aren't unique to High School. I wasn't hurt because I was in High School, I was hurt because I was in school.

When I think about the things that scared me about school, I remember the hallways, the noise between classes, the lines when getting lunch, teachers in front of the class, the classrooms themselves - whether it be College or High School, these are aspects that are still going to be there. I'm still in a very fragile state. Yes, it's true that I need to push myself to do things that make me anxious or I'm never going to get better, but if I throw myself into something that huge so soon, I don't think I'd make it. This will sound like an exaggeration, but it's not. More than once, when I thought about going to college, the very real fear that my mind will completely crumble if I go there has always hit me. I need to do little steps to heal myself. Things like writing this story - which will be my work from here on out. I don't think I'm ready to handle to pain of school again. I'm afraid of going back, because I'm afraid of being hurt again.

I'm also very afraid of staying home. I'm afraid of the limited human contact I'll have. It's ironic, that never would've bothered me before. These days, I'm just worried about all the things I could be missing out from not going to school this semester. I'm afraid I may be losing the chance to gain valuable friendships, or to really get the education I crave. Part of me feels like I'm signing my death warrant by staying home. Although, to be fair, I felt much the same way when I thought I'd be going to school this semester.

So, am I making the right decision? The truth is, I don't know. Would it have been smarter for me not to defer and just dive into school as soon as I can? I don't know. I really don't know if I'm making the right choice. However, this is the choice I've made. For better or worse, I am going to stick to it, and I am going to move forward from here. I'm going to write every day. I'm going to do something everyday to make me stronger. Just today, I tried calling my bank to figure out what's up with my online account. That ended up being pointless because they're actually closed today since it's Pioneer Day, but I still did it! And now I know what to expect when I call them again tomorrow - which I am really going to do! Also, I have plans with my friend Camilla that we will meet once a week to talk and write together and keep each other grounded in reality. I know I can hang out with my cousin, Amberli, because even if she's married now, we're still as close as we ever have been. I'm having an easier time talking to my parents now, so I'll probably be spending more time with my family. I think I may be able to handle going to all three hours of church from here on out - every week.

I'm terrified of the future, yes, but whatever happens from now on, I have hope that it'll be better. So whatever you think of my decision, please don't criticize me for it. Please don't look at me as wrong or broken. I'm taking my own journey, and I'm taking it at my own pace. Most people probably won't be able to really understand why I made the decision I did without being me, but know that I have been considering this for months on end now, so at the very least, I'm not making a rash, stupid teenager decision.

So for the first time in almost a year and a half, full of fear and hope, I'm finally moving forward. In that at least, I can be happy.

My Anxiety Protects My Perfectionist

There's a lesser known type of therapy known as IFS or "Internal Family Systems". More commonly, it's simply referred to as, "Parts Therapy". I've discovered I'm really not the best at describing what this is, but if you'll bare with me, I'll try.

Essentially, Parts Therapy is the idea that every person is made up of multiple parts. You know when you're trying to make a decision and you think something along the lines of, "Well, part of me wants to do this and another  part  wants to do this." That's an example of parts being at conflict.

Richard Schwartz - who wrote the book on this type of therapy - noticed many of his clients had this sort of problem. An inexplicable conflict inside of them; like a family that couldn't agree. Hence the IFS title. Schwartz developed Parts Therapy by teaching clients to separate themselves from a part that was hurting them so they could essentially talk to it and figure out why it was there.

In essence, Parts Therapy is learning to treat your problem parts - ie, anxiety, depression, anger, self doubt, etc. - so that you can get to the core of the problem and heal yourself.

If you still don't get it, I'm sorry because I'm moving on.

My therapist taught me how to do this so I could get to know my anxiety better. It's really hard to separate myself from it because it's become such a integral part of me, but sometimes I do manage to get it to "leave my body" as it were so I can talk to it at a distance. It's name is Ani. It's neither a boy or a girl which is why I call it "it". To me, Ani is a humanoid, pale creature that is very very thin. It has long arms and legs with three fingers and toes on each that are thin and sharp. Ani has no mouth, only wide eyes that watch everything. Ani is usually always in a hunched position with its arms either blocking its chest or held out to ward bad things off. Whenever I talk to Ani, it's usually hunched in a corner or hiding under a desk. In a way, Ani bares many  physical similarities between these creatures my friend Aubrey and I created in our book Connection. Ironic.

When talking about a problem Part, Schawrtz specifically named them, "Protectors". Most things similar to my anxiety problem are born because something traumatic happened, so a part was created to defend from that ever happening again. The parts that the Protectors are trying to protect are what Shwartz calls "The Exiles". The goal of Parts Therapy is to convince the Protector to let you see the Exile so you can sort of mentally step back into the moment where you were hurt and "reparent" the Exile; tell it what it needed to hear then. That's when you start to heal and your Protector starts to find a different role to play within you.

It's important not to hate your Protectors. After all, they're still a part of you and they aren't trying to do you harm. I struggle with that when I talk to Ani.

My point is, I had an interesting experience with Ani today. I've come to realize more and more recently how much of a role Ani plays in keeping me from writing. Very often, I get a strong sense of foreboding or impending doom whenever I sit down to write, or even if I think about sitting down to write. I wanted to know why, so I brought Ani out and asked it, "What are you afraid will happen if I write?"

Initially, all it said was that I'd ruin the story, but that answer didn't feel complete, so I tried digging deeper. Eventually I discovered exactly what the title of this post says.

You see, I hear stories all the time of writers who are constantly doubted by their peers and have to learn to overcome that. That's a problem I've never had. All my life, when people found out I was a writer, they would exclaim how awesome that was, how they couldn't wait to read my stuff someday, or that I was bound to be the next Rowling. As far as my writing goes, I've never once been doubted by those around me. I've always been believed in and encouraged. That's why Ani had to come in. Ironic, isn't it. You see, the lack of doubt from everyone led me to believe that I was capable of great things, that I really could be a great writer someday. No matter what I say or do, the Perfectionist in me will accept nothing less than stunning work from me. Anything less, and I wouldn't just be letting myself down, but everyone who'd ever known me. True, that sounds ridiculous and exaggerated, but if it weren't how I felt, Ani wouldn't have stepped in to keep me from writing and facing the inevitable pang of failure.

My Perfectionist part is one of the Exiles Ani has long tried to protect. It makes sense that I would dread sitting down to write. No matter how much faith I have in my creativity, I can't write a perfect first draft. But my Perfectionist doesn't care which draft it is. If it's broken, it's worthless and I've let a lot of people down. More than that, even if I did manage to get  past draft one and even get published, not everyone whose encouraged me over the years is going to like what I write. My Perfectionist says that means I let them down. One way or another, writing at all is bound to make me a failure, so Ani makes me afraid of it so whatever pain I feel could arguably be less than what  it could've been.

This whole post seems very pessimistic and you may be wondering why I didn't just step in and reparent my Exile like I was  supposed to. Then I would be on the road to recovery and this wouldn't be a problem anymore. Well, I was going to, but I just don't know what to say. My exile often tries to break free, like when I'd enter a writing contest, but when I'd lose and not even be acknowledged, my Exile would be further bruised. That's part of why Ani's so strong these days. It's also why I have so many memories of my Exile In my life. I can't reparent every memory, can I? Even if I could, I ask you, what exactly do you say to something that's been damaged because it's always been believed in?

That's all. Thanks for listening to my pity fest.