Sleeping In

You know those days when you wake up in the morning and you really don't want to go to school? Well, surprise surprise, I've been having those for a couple weeks now. Coincidentally, they usually happen to be on Tuesdays and Thursdays which happen to be the days that Mom goes to work early. Seeing as during the week, it's just us two, I knew that if I just slept in, I wouldn't be able to go to school because I would have no way of getting there. But I knew missing A days wouldn't go so well, so I didn't think of that much when I went to sleep on Tuesdays or Thursdays that were A days. But B days, I could miss those.

Well, it is currently 8:26 am on Thursday morning and guess what. I overslept. But guess what else. It's an A day. Just great. I'm not really sure what happened, but I must've accidentally switched off my alarm this morning instead of putting it on sleep. But I don't remember hearing it at all today. I woke up this morning, looked at the clock to see how much time I had left and it said, 8:18. That registered a little quicker than things normally do in the mornings. I was very much awake after that.

I went through my schedule in my head and decided it wouldn't be entirely horrible if I missed today. I mean, in ASL we're just finishing a movie, in Orchestra I have no idea, but we had our concert yesterday so probably not much, in English all I knew of was turning in the last grammar assignment, in Math, no clue, but I can catch up. So I calmed down a bit and called Mom to let her know I wasn't at school today.

Then I had the great revelation . . . or remembrance or whatever. I've had this nagging feeling all morning that I was missing something in English. I just figured it was that we were going to start right away with short stories again and I'd have to catch up with that which would be kind of annoying. But no, it's worse then that. I just remembered we're also having our Grammar Test today. Woohoo. Now I have to make up a test which is the last thing I wanted to do. Bleh.

But let's look on the bright side, shall we. Here I am, relaxing at home now (well, trying to forget about school). All my obligations here are like during the summer. Finish my chores. That's about it. I've been having a hard time getting back to chore mode since school started. It's just not as easy to get myself to work as during the summer. But now that I'm home alone, it'll be easy to get everything finished. It'll be nice to actually have the house fully clean again.

Although it's really annoying to have to miss school on an A Day, I can at least look at it as a growing experience. It could be a lot worse. We could be learning new signs in ASL. I really have no idea how to make that up. Just go with the flow I guess. Orchestra . . . well, I don't actually feel that bad that I'm missing Orchestra. We did have a concert yesterday. Uh, English . . . we could be doing a test and an assignment. In Math, we could be having a test there too, or getting a new seating chart. I'm pretty lucky that it's not going to be completely horrible in making this stuff up even though I'd rather not. So here's my advice to you: Don't ever sleep in to miss school just because you know you can get away with it. I know I didn't do it on purpose, but I've been thinking it for a while, and I thought it this morning and now I'm annoyed. Don't do it. It's just kind of annoying. But now, I'm going to go look on the bright side and read my book or something.

From Alex to Zane

I was looking through this little notebook the other day and I found this letter I had written between a couple of my characters. Most of these I don't even put in the book, but they're fun to write some times. This one here is from Alex (the sister) to Zane (her brother).

Zane,

What does it mean to have a good life? The stories I've heard tell of love, of things, money and popularity. But the things I've seen strongly go against that.

Things aren't lasting. Sure they can be useful or even fun. But if your head's on the chopping block, they can't come to your rescue. They've no feelings to be saddened at your loss. Money is much the same. It is a need to purchase the necessities of course, but how much is enough? It's easy to let the want of things to overcome you, even for the best of men. Does money bring you joy? Do things uplift your life? Not from what I've seen.

I hear stories of the power of love and its ability to heal. I've loved before but all its gotten me are many more scars. Does love make your life better? I guess I wouldn't know.

To all that ask, I tell them my life is pain and hiding. To all who know, they'd say I had a bad life and for years, I agreed. I thought myself dead, hid and hurt. All I've wanted is death which has always evaded me. I now live in the nightmare I used to dream as a child.

But I've realized something; I'm feeling more then normal. So here's the truth I once knew as a child.

A good life isn't easy. A good life has work. Heck, sometimes a good life just hurts. I've found here the one thing I've been running from since I was ten-years-old, and that, my dear brother, is you.

-Kaiti

(Her family always calls her Kaiti, so that's why she signed it that way)

the last line is one I imagine her saying with heavy sarcasm, but without a hint of irony. She's weird like that.

The Joys of a Good Story

Recently, I started watching a cartoon that some friends of mine had shown to me a few years ago. It's called Stormhawks. It was awesome seeing it again. Its almost like I'm meeting with old friends again. Every time I turn on another episode, from the moment I hear, "My name's Aerrow, and I'm a Sky Knight." I start grinning like an idiot, and most of the time that grin stays for the entirety of the episode and for quite some time afterwards. Why? What is it about this show that always makes me so happy? Why exactly is it so awesome?

In Choir this week, none of us wanted to do anything so Mr. Bills let us watch Enchanted instead. There's plenty of people out there that think that movie's creepy, and that's okay. But for me, is just so . . . silly, I can't help but laugh every time I see it. Then, it is hard not to laugh every time Prince Edward comes on and yells, "Giselle!" and bites his knuckles and stuff. Something I've always liked about fairytales is the lighthearted, happy feel they always have. They always seem to have this easy feel to it that - well, to me - is kind of relaxing, some times refreshing. This movie did very well and capturing these aspects, sticking them in real life and making them somewhat plausible. It's a movie that reminds you that there is such a thing as happily ever after. How many movies do that nowadays?

This world in general has a very depressing view. Almost all the new movies and books are always dark and . . . well, depressing. There's always violence and evil and people making stupid mistakes. Sometimes, you'll come upon a story that's not half bad, but's still heavy. Here's my conclusion:

There's so many stresses, expectations and competition in this world. People all around are looking for happiness in all the wrong places, often resulting in the heavy stories. They try to laugh off anguish in crude jokes. This world is hard. Sometimes even scary. The surrounding media doesn't make it any easier. But every now and then, you come across a story that makes you laugh. That just has silly jokes like, "Huh, he's not in the radio. Imagine that." or "I've been been dreaming - Ah!" They're not crude, they're not uncomfortable, they're just funny. These stories always seem to be coupled with great characters who have a strong sense of unity; who work together for the greater good. Often they have a relationship that runs deep. It's not - as some people are annoying enough to try to make it seem - gross or anything, but a true, deep friendship. How often is that done right nowadays!

It's good to get away from the heavy feel of wordly stories into a happy, life-is-good feel. What makes a good story? It doesn't take violence, or extremely evil bad guys, or a big dramatic fight for good, or sex, vulgar language. All it takes is some happiness. Just a little light, you know? We don't have to be negative to make a good story. A good story is one with true friendship, something that will leave you feeling happy and bright, not dark. When you can find a story like that, it's amazing how happy that can make you. And since when was happiness a bad thing?

Jane Eyre Review (I've Finally Finished it!!!!!!!!)

Is it any wonder this book as been shelved among the timeless classics? The two times I'd tried to read this book before I couldn't do it and now I don't know why. How many books can you read that leave you in an incredibly wonderful mood that lasts longer then just the few minutes after you've finished? How rare is it to find an author who can really evoke and stir raw, real, and pure emotion from you? How often do you find a book that is so true to what love is, what life is, and the mercy of God?

This is so much more then just a story. I don't even know what to call it. But this book . . . all while I was reading it, I couldn't help but think, "That is what love is! That is what love should be like!" Too much nowadays we read books and see movies that portray love as something that is - yes, good and wonderful, but for some reason also can't be achieved without first experiencing the physical half. Those stories lose so much! Jane Eyre is a pure, good novel that shows you what love really is. Never have I felt a story more then while reading this book. Love doesn't have to be physical or passionate in order to be real. It needs to be pure and true and good. Love perhaps is something we sometimes take for granted. Jane is someone who understands a life without love, but also she knows what a life with true love is. Not modern "TV love" so to speak, but real love. She knows and understands . . . so much.

Through all her trials, she remains with her unfailing faith. She had more right then many to falter, to murmur, to wonder what God wanted of her. Although she suffered so much, she always turned to God for relief and always did she somehow gain it. Not immediately or as you would expect, but it was given. This book portrays perfectly that rewards aren't given right away, but through diligence, perseverance, and patience, we will one day see the grace of God. Even Mr. Rochester who had just as much right to complain as Jane, learned and appreciated just as "his little fairy" did.

Also in this book is the sweetest, kindest, most angelic character ever written. I've read Jane's friendship with Helen Burns three times now and also have I (here comes a spoiler for those of you who have never read the book or seen the movie) read of her death. Each and every time, her unfailing gratitude and love amazed me. For someone who has always been treated ill by others, who was cast off by her father, and was robbed of the chance to live a full life, she never once complained. On the contrary, she was grateful. And she taught Jane so much. Jane wouldn't have been the amazing person she grew to be if it hadn't have been for Helen.

Now I'm beginning to ramble. Sorry. Suffice it to say, I've never read a book as wonderful, amazing, stirring, or romantic as this. As much as I love Jane Austen books, I'd still name Bronte's the greater romance. This is a book that I think everyone should read, even the men. It may just seem like some lame, boring classic that English teacher's may force you to read, but it's not. It is so much more then that. As strange as it may sound, not reading this, you really don't know what you'd be missing. This is an adventure all it's own.

Spiders

Don't you hate it when you walk into the bathroom and there's this huge spider just sitting on the floor staring at you? That's the worst. I went in to take a shower last night and a gianormous, hairy spider was just hanging out next to the counter. What's worse is this spider was smart. I was putting my pants back on so I could run to get a shoe when it scuttled into a crevice in a corner so I couldn't reach it. So I figured I should just take a shower and hope it came out by the time I was done. I put my clothes on the towel rack thing just in case.

I kept checking on it while I was showering to make sure it didn't decide to climb it and at one point it was very near the tub. However, when I climbed out of the shower, I couldn't find it anymore. It just sort of vanished. I was very careful where I stepped after that, which was lucky because by the time I was dressed again, I just happened to look at the carpet and there's Mr. Hugeo just sitting on the bathroom rug in which he blended in perfectly with. It freaked me out so bad. I think he was aware that I had found him, because I turned to get a towel and when I turned back he was scuttling away faster then I'd ever see him go. So I sort of kept one eye on that area while I finished up my nightly routine.

At one point, he did slowly crawl out from under the shower curtain and stood next to the rug. This was probably the most disturbing part of the night. This spider was so big that from my normal standing point I could see it's pincers just sort of wiggling around at it's mouth. Gross! At that point I just opened the door and ran to get my shoe. Now, understand I never kill big spiders. Ever. I always go and get Tyrel and make him kill them. I just can't do it. I don't like hearing the crunch. It's gross! I can kill baby one's just fine, but big one's . . . *shudder*. However, it was about 11:30 if not later at this point so Tyrel had been in bed for at least three hours. So it was down to me to kill it. Great . . .

I got back to the bathroom and Mr. Hugeo hadn't moved at all (except for maybe to wiggle his pincers some more and stretch his legs). With the shoe in my hand I started dreading what I was about to do. I mean, he was huge! Can you imagine what sort of mess he would make after being squashed? But I couldn't just let him live and wander the house because that'd be way worse. So I turned on the sink really high and flushed the toilet so I wouldn't be able to hear him die and then I threw my shoe at him.

And guess what? I missed. I swear the shoe landed on him, but I did close my eyes when it landed. Anyway, he went skittering away to a different edge of the rug where I threw my shoe at him again. Shocker, I missed again. This time he went under the rug. So I figured, "Yes, I've got him trapped now." So I was taking a break because for some reason this was really freaking me out when I just happen to look down and see Mr. Hugeo scurrying out from under the rug about half an inch from my foot and heading for it. I this was the freakiest moment of the night.

I jumped back and yelped really loud which must've freaked him out or something because he headed straight for under the counter where again, I couldn't reach him. I tried to coax him out by opening the bottom drawer, moving the rug, hitting the counter with my shoe, but he just sat there. At one point I thought I saw another spider walking towards him, but I'm pretty sure I imagined that. So, with him hanging out comfortably under the counter, and me unable to get to him, there wasn't much else I could do. I left my shoe on the counter top as a sort of warning to whoever used the bathroom first in the morning. And I figured they'd need something to kill Mr. Hugeo if they found him.

Man, I had to dispel for another twenty minutes to get spiders out of my head. I don't know why that particular experience scared me so bad, but man, it was so freaky! The whole time I was in my room I felt like there were spiders crawling on me or toward me. I felt like I was in the "Arachniphobia" movie. It was awful. I even had to say my prayer on my bed 'cause I was so scared that Mr. Hugeo would come in for a visit. *shudder* It was bad.

In the morning when Mom got me up for prayer, Kin was in her bathroom which meant she was going in for a shower and she asked me why my shoe was on the counter. So I told her about the spider which she was really not very happy about and then I went back to bed.

When I got back up about an hour ago I snuck in the bathroom very carefully to get my toothbrush and looked around. My shoe was now sitting on the rug where I assume (or just really really hope) Mr. Hugeo lies dead underneath. I was too scared to move it though. What if he was still alive and he went shooting out when I picked up my shoe? Or what if he was dead and there were bits of him splattered everywhere? Leck! I hate big spiders!

The Star Trek Legacy

• "The good of the many outweigh the good of the few - or the one." - Spock
• "Don't try to be a great man, just be a man. Let history make it's own judgements." -Riker
• "As I experience certain sensory input patterns, my mental pathways become accustomed to them. The inputs eventually are anticipated and even 'missed' when absent." -Data (description of friendship)
• "I have been, and ever shall be, your friend. Live long, and prosper." - Spock
• "Live long, and prosper, Spock." - T'pau "I will do neither. I have killed my captain - and my friend." -Spock

• "Ston, she is yours. You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often true." - Spock
• "There are FOUR LIGHTS!" -- Picard
• "We do exactly what we would do if this Q never existed. If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for who we really are" -- Captain Picard
• "Seize the time, Meribor. Live now; make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again" -- Picard
• "It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." --Capt. Picard

For a show that was originally canceled at season three - almost at season two -, that was not well like, and received horrible reviews, its still one that's survived for decades after; something many have never done.

The reason Star Trek was so well loved and continues to be so today is because when Gene Roddenberry created it, he didn't just make it for entertainment. He made it as a way to give hope for the future. After all, it came out during the sixties - during Vietnam. That wasn't exactly a happy time. Star Trek was the first show of that time to portray the future where not only did we survive, but we were doing well. It was the first show in a while to say, "Yeah, we're not the greatest of people, our world's a mess, many humans hostile and cruel, but we will not always be this way."

I can't remember what season it was or even what the letter really said, but once Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard) got a letter from a fan who was a police officer. He said that sometimes he would come home from work and wonder what would happen to the human race. With all the violence and murders and terrors and all around horribleness that he saw every day, he saw no way that we could ever be better then it. He said that after one day of work, coming home particularly depressed, he happened to turn Star Trek on and he was hit by it. Portraying a good and better human race who had gone beyond what we are now - who had in essence, improved.

This probably sounds ridiculous and silly seeing as you all know that I'm a full out Treckie. You probably just figure I'm saying this and I see this because I love it so much. That may be true. I know if I was reading someone go on about a show like this, I'd just roll my eyes and move on. If your doing this, I really don't mind. :)

Although sci-fi may not be the best loved genre and many probably despise the mere mention of it. I know that we can't hardly watch Star Trek at all in my house unless my sisters are gone. :) But still, although when it comes down to it, Star Trek is just a show, there is still something special about it. The Star Trek legacy is something that will hopefully live on forever, whether it be in Star Trek or not. This world may be pretty crummy right now, but there is always hope for the future.

Dream

I had this dream last night. What was weird about this one was the fact that I was partially conscious while having it so I was in slight control of what happened. When I actually woke up, I could still remember everything about it. Although, I went back to sleep and didn't think too much about it for fear of it losing its innocence of being a dream. Now the fine details are slipping away, but that's all right because I remember the important things.

I won't go into detail about (since I don't remember the details), I just remember at the beginning of the dream the little girl was about eight years old and had the fate of the world resting on her shoulders. She was being trained by a woman (I think she was a witch) named Angela (heh heh). By the time I woke up I think the little girl was all grown up and fully trained and stuff and she could do cool things.

There was one part in particular that I remember vividly. Probably because I could really feel the little girl's emotions there as sharply as though they were my own. That's never happened to me before. I can even remember her thoughts. You see, she had been chosen to save the world or something of the sort, but her mother didn't want her to go, so the little girl ran off. She was with Angela and thinking things like, "Will my mom accept me back?" "Will she hate me now?" She was overall just terrified and Angela isn't all that big on comforting and was just sort of standing around and staring at the little girl shiver in the corner. It was a cool moment.

Anyway, I finished my chores today and got on my computer. I was going to work a little bit on my big summer project, but all day, I couldn't get the dream out of my head. So I wrote down this little journal entry thing that Angela wrote and this is what I came up with:

Fifth day of Teqniv, 1123

It's been said, that there will be one with the power to end the reign of Lord Creven; one to free the oppressed. It's said that when they're born, the fires will cease, storms will calm and the waters will run pure. Once the Lord is overthrown, legend says that the earth will be born anew and the people will be liberated.

It's a story that's been handed down from generation to generation for thousands of years. And in that time, we have waited. With each child born, we're given new hope. Maybe this will be the one we're meant to teach. And every time the child is either sold into slavery or reaches adulthood only to become a slave trader of one of Creven's own servants. The lucky ones will die in infancy.

I'm the last of the colony. For some time now, I've doubted the legend. My people have waited for this child to be born for thousands of years. Never has it come. Perhaps this legend was just simple folklore. May it's just a myth created to give the people hope. An admirable wish, yes, but a hopeful lie is still a lie. We've wasted centuries waiting for something that would never come. And in that time, Creven only has grown stronger. I worry now that its too late.

I've no idea if this could actually turn into anything, but for now, I can't seem to get it out of my head.

Why Some People Are Annoying

I wrote this little short story during seminary some time after Christmas. There was this kid somewhere behind me that was driving me nuts! (actually, he was driving the entire class nuts) I wrote this to kind of dispel my annoyance and it ended up just being kind of fun:

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Ennoy. He was often caught doing things such as making stupid comments, getting off task, and doing things he supposed were funny, but weren't. Like tripping people, flicking things at people, slamming lockers shut (yes, they had lockers back then), placing gum in areas your sure to touch, etc. No matter what people said, he never stopped.

When he was old, he was eating some gruel by the fire when he said, "I must find a way to pass on my skills." (No one would marry him. Surprise, I know) So he put aside his gruel and went to the long journey upstairs to visit his mother's uncle's brother's wife's sister's son's dog's Grandmother (needless to say, she was a witch). She cast a spell that caused all of the village inhabitants to become like him. Then those two died.

The people of the village idolized Ennoy and dubbed themselves "The Ennoys". As time went on, the Ennoys passed on their skills to their posterity and each generation spelt it differently. Finally they are just called "Annoying". The saying "You are so annoying" was brought about by these people and is referring to the original "Ennoys".

The End

26 Things I Will Never Do

This is inspired by a post my sister did about things she would rather do then get up at 5:30 in the morning. I was thinking about it today and I was getting slightly bored so I came up with my own little list of things I will never do. :)

• Stand in a crowded place for five hours
• Dissect a full cow stomach (blech)
• Step on a thumbtack (and then it gets stuck . . . )
• Listen to a three hour Biology lecture
• Go without writing for a week
• Watch an entire golf tournament
• Wear dusty contacts
• Stand on the top level of the Empire State building
• Wear bright pink
• Actually look for a needle in a haystack
• Paint my room bright pink
• Eat chocolate bread
• Raise a leech
• Understand politics
• Skydive
• Write a Symphony
• Eat sushi
• Go scuba diving to look for sharks
• Hunt the Lochness monster
• Become a teacher for teens
• Fight a Klingon with a pain stick
• Have a staring contest with a frog
• Go by the name Hepzuba
• Go on a date with Quark from Star Trek: DS9
• Raise a flobberworm
• Become a vegetarian

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

How many of you reading this are my age and have finished a book? . . . let me rephrase. How many of you reading this are my age and have finished writing a book? Well, I salute you superperson because its just sunk in entirely that that is something I haven't actually done as stupid as that may sound.

Is it even possible to finish a full out book in three months? On my negative days I some times wonder if its even possible to finish a book at all. But seriously, I don't know how to write a book. Well, I do, but I don't. Sure, I've finished reading books and seen plenty of movies and such, but how does a new writer go about writing their first book? How do you build up to things? How do you know when to put certain things in? So many questions, so little time.

I don't want this to turn out like another one of my ranting posts about my incompetency, that'd be boring. But hey, welcome to my head!

But running off the tangent and jumping back into the point - I am a very new writer and have problems with expecting too much of myself. Some times I judge myself at a professional level which I know isn't fair to myself considering I'm still pretty young, but it just sorta happens some times. The fact that I'm not the best plotter doesn't exactly help either, but that's all right.

Anyway, I write my book and it flows, then I remember this is a book and not just a scene in my "Random Scenes Book". That makes it a little harder. So how do I go about fixing this? My ideas thus far:

• Find a time when I can really shut everything out and focus completely on the story at hand.
• Forget about making it good now and just write, fix it in the rewrite.

And . . . that's pretty much it. Yeah, not a very exciting list, but hey, I'm not very experienced yet. Maybe in six years it'll be cool and stuff, but for now, I'm leaning to the second one. However, I still don't know if I can finish it by the end of the summer. We shall see . . . .

The First 4 Steps to Becoming a Writer

In my six years of writing, its only been recently that I've really discovered these steps that are really a necessity of becoming an author. At least I think so. They were pretty important to me anyway.

• Step 1 - Figure Out What Kind of Writer You Are: I mentioned in the earlier post that I had only recently come to grips with the fact that I'm an outliner. So, for a long time, I did all of my writing by discovery writing, which didn't usually turn out so great. My only reason for discovery writing was I hated writing outlines. I still do which is why I do all of them in my head. But figuring out if your a discovery writer or an outliner is very important because it makes writing that much easier. Forcing yourself to write in a way that's unnatural to you will only make the writing process more frustrating because it won't flow as easily.
• Step 2 - Finding a Place/Time to Write: Some times, its easier to write in some places then in others. For example, its easier for me to write in a desk then on a couch. Some might be the other way around, I don't know. But being comfortable makes writing easier because you can focus on it better. So I think finding a writing spot is very useful. And finding a specific time of day to focus all of your attention on writing is good. Setting aside time when you can just write for an hour or two whether you have ideas or not really gets you going. This could be late at night or early in the morning, but I think its important to have a specific time to write everyday so you don't fall out of the habit. Note: If you are sleeping and the voices in your head are sort of figuring stuff out, that would have to count as writing as you are getting something done on your book. Cool, huh! :)
• Step 3 - Willing to Commit: As nice as it would be, a novel can't be written over night. It takes a lot of time. Months. Its time that you need to be willing to devote a lot of your time to. I've had this problem a lot. I've got at least nine books started and have gotten distracted from it by another idea I had. Don't do that! Other ideas need to wait. Just focus on one book at a time and you'll get it done faster. Don't move onto another project until the first one's done otherwise you'll never finish anything. If you're not willing to commit, I suggest not even starting the book. Just let it float around in your head till it dies off.
• Step 4 - Finding the Idea: Your story idea is obviously hugely important. But honestly, you need to find an idea that's not only good, but that you really like. If you don't like it that much or its likely you'll get bored of it, your probably going to fail step three. Finding the right idea that never gets old in your head makes writing it that much more fun and easier.

So there you have it. My first and hopefully fail-safe plan to becoming a writer. It doesn't mean you'll be a good one, but hey, you'll hopefully have more fun! But honesty, I've discovered these steps through many mistakes of my own, so these steps aren't just made up, they come from someone who really knows . . . stuff. I hope it helps. :)

The Terrors of Starting a New Project

I've been writing for about six years now, and in all that time, I have never once finished a book. Sure, I've started pretty much all of them, and I have plans for most of them, but never once have I finished one. Not even Dragon Masters which has been around since thebeginning.

However, a friend and I have made a deal that we will both finish a book this summer. Scary! Seeing as I've only written beginnings, it scares me to think of putting all of my planning into a story and hoping it works out right. I suppose I need to learn not to expect too much from myself seeing as this is just a first draft. They're meant to suck, that way you can learn and by learning, grow and by growing become a better author. So its okay to suck at first. But still, finishing a book? That's both exhilarating and scary.

There's a new project that I'm trying to focus on now. I'm relatively confident in this I suppose . . . I mean, I spent over a month researching stuff for it. Plus by now I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not a discovery writer at all but very much an outliner so I can sit down and plan out exactly what I'm going to do, but still. Its daunting. I mean, I picked a heck of a project to be my first. My biggest fear is that I'm going to do it wrong. But at the same time, I'm excited to write a book that I would've liked to read. Talk about contradictions. So far I've only written the prologue which very much needs work and part of the first chapter - also in need of much help. At the moment, I'm not entirely sure what to do, but that's okay! I'll figure it out! I have to keep reminding myself that I can do it or I might lax off.

Overall though, the biggest thing holding me back is my little "revelation" this year. I mentioned Dragon Masters earlier and its only been this year that I've discovered just how bland that story is. I'm getting used to the idea now (three months later) but I'm still frustrated. I mean, I had been writing that book for six years and for nothing! All that I could be proud of (and don't get me wrong. I am proud of it) was my characters. They were round and real but everything else was sorely lacking. My plot, setting, relationship development, flowing, etc. I've had to set that project aside just because it still makes me angry to think about it. For awhile there, I had looked at it as wasting six years of writing.

Yeah, I'm more optimistic now. I've convinced myself that just because I stunk then doesn't mean I'm going to stink forever. After all, I'm still young, I've got plenty of time to improve myself and I'm glad that I realized this about myself as early as I did. Still though, as frustrating and pathetic as it may sound, I think that deep down, I'm afraid that in another six years, I'm going to look back and see myself just as I am now. I don't want that for this book!

Reading this, your probably thinking something along the lines of, "Oh my goodness, just get over it. Its just a book." But understand me. I'm a freak in the way I'm obsessed with my writing. But its more to me then just a story. When I'm published, I don't want to just entertain my readers with a hopefully good novel. I want them to take something good from it. To see a message, to find something in it. In a way, I want people's lives to be somehow a little bit better by reading my books. Although, if you've read my stuff, you'll probably think that that'll never happen, but hey, you've never read gone inside my head and seen the end of the book before. :)

Now, starting this new project, I will see it through to the end! Its time for me to stop getting distracted by other ideas and focus! I need to set aside my fears and plow through this, with the knowledge that yeah, its going to stink. But that'll be okay.

To end, it just seems right to do it with a silly quote. "It took Thomas Edison 1000 tries to invent a lightbulb. When asked, he said 'I didn't fail. I found 999 ways not to make a lightbulb.' But he only needed to find one way to make it right."

(Actually I just kind of made that up and stole some of it from the first National Treasure movie) :)